It has been a while since I have posted and that is due mostly to the fact that I have had little to post about. My life has been so chaotic lately and on top of that I have also been going through a very low time in my life. By "low time" I mean experiencing a distancing from God. Just like most, it is easier to keep busy than it is to acknowledge the fact that with each step I take, I get farther away from God. It's not that I'm giving up on God or being a Christian; it's just that I get distracted from Him with temporal things and before I know it, I am no longer by His side. Sometimes it just seems so hard to love Him. I'm just so tired and even though I know that I need Him, it's just easier to not put anything into the relationship. Then I deal with this self-guilt because I know I should be spending time with Him, but instead I find other things to do. Every fiber of my being cries out to live a life of integrity, and all I see is this mask that I am wearing. God knows what's going on; I know what's going on; but everyone else sees this happy guy who has it together.
I originally started out to post about the ingethrity of Audio A and Pokect Full of Rocks, and for some reason I just felt compelled to share what is on my heart. I know that this post may come as a surprise to some of you, especially my wife. There are times I wish that I could change the way God made me; I wish that God had created me to feel more, to experience emotions more, but I know that I have to come to grips with the way that God created me. It may be harder for me to feel God's love but I know that it isn't impossible. It's hard for me to ask for help, especially when it comes to my personal life, but if God puts it on your heart to pray for me, please do. My heart's desire is to live a life of integrity and to never leave the side of Jesus. Thank you for giving me an opportunity to bare my heart. Someday, I hope that it is said of me that, "there was a man who walked so close to God that whenevre they saw him, they saw Jesus."
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3 comments:
I could not possibly have snagged a better man to grow in the Lord beside. My love, you do not need to be ashamed. Your heart is pure and full of integrity. I am always praying for you. Today I pray the Lord would pour an oil of refreshment over your spirit and give you a sense of His love for you.
On a lighter note, maybe it's for the best you're not so emotional...I'm sure I have enough for the both of us!
I love you so so so much and am daily honored to call you my love and my husband. Thank you for the Godly example you are to all those young people who sit under you to learn about our Savior. I am sorry I can't be there tonight, but I'll be praying for you.
I love you. I love you. I love you.
mauf
hey brother. thanks for being honest. honest is good. honest is real.
i liked what nat said.
please don't equate how much "time alone with God" you have spent lately with how close you are to God. they are not one and the same. time with God can be found many ways, often ways we have forgotten or never knew. (reference in my mind to brother lawrence and the practice of the presence of God). there is much freedom in finding God without trying so hard (trying too hard can lead to feeling guilty all the time for not trying hard enough, which sucks).
anyway, i haven't talked to you lately, so i hope i'm not opening my mouth when i should keep it shut. but i probably am and did and now it is too late so please be godly and forgive me.
love you.
b.
p.s. i liked what nat said.
i love you
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